The Passion of The Pisces

All you non-Pisces, listen up! Never, ever, ever get into any sort of a relationship with a Pisces if you even for a second think you might not be committed to making it last - friends, lovers, casual acquaintance, whatever you call it, to a Pisces it's forever. Of course if a Pisces wants you out of their life, all bets are off. In that case not only is it over, it never happened.

Hello Pisces people! If you read last week's introduction to Pisces, you might remember the words permeable membrane. There is no doubt that you find it difficult to separate yourself from those you care for. It's like you're the oyster and they're the grit and the pearl that emerges from this union shows the qualities of your relationship....or something. Basically we all bug the hell out of you but if you tolerate some of us you'll find we're not all bad.

So, Pisces, who's the sand in your Cephalopod? Check it out.....

Pisces with Aries - This would be like buying a pet for your goldfish: ultimately pointless: possibly resulting in death of fish.

Pisces with Taurus - If your purpose is to dig a really deep hole really quickly then this is the one for you.

Pisces with Gemini - It would be rude to say that you don't like the twins, so instead you'll just be cranky for no apparent reason.

Pisces with Cancer - It can't be all about you when it's all about them. You may not notice this right away, but it's always all about them.

Pisces with Leo - This would feel as though a giant Mr. Magoo came to town and chose you as his dance partner. I shudder to think.

Pisces with Virgo - You'd have to tell lies in order to get your own way and we all know how good you are at that don't we?

Pisces with Libra - Only if you feel like dating the three wise monkeys. There are serious balance issues inherent in this pairing.

Pisces with Scorpio - This is the Zodiac equivalent of your bit of rough. Hey don't forget you're not the only one with feelings!

Pisces with Sagittarius - Schroedinger's Cat Experiment - anything could be going on in there as long as you don't lift the lid.

Pisces with Capricorn - For reasons unknown you will burst into tears at odd moments when the two of you are in public.

Pisces with Aquarius - The only sign capable of getting a lie passed you. Of course if you think you know better then by all means.

Pisces with Pisces - Don't call me when the two of you are sitting around saying "I don't know what do you want to do?" and trying to decide.

Precious Pisces

If you espouse the reincarnation theory of the Zodiac, then Pisces, the last of the twelve symbols, is preparing to leave the worldly wheel forever to travel in the infinite beyond. Which helps explain why they live as though every day is the one before a big trip. There is so much that has to be done prior to leaving and heaven knows they can't trust you to get it right when they're gone. Their symbol is two fish tied together but always heading in different directions - one squinting to see what's up ahead and the other concentrating on holding on to the here and now.

Obviously then, they have a lot on their minds and can therefore be forgiven if they don't react well to surprises, or in fact to any change that they themselves did not initiate. Pisces must know where everything is at any given moment. In the universal game of whack-a-mole, Pisces will throw a full body assault on the game using hands, feet and face to stop any random, unplanned events from erupting.

Pisces also don't really have skin - they are actually just one big permeable membrane. Which means they have difficulty discerning where they end and you begin. They are psychic to a point that scares them because there never seems to be a delineated boundary between what they think and feel and what you think and feel. They live with the very real fear that they might disappear into you completely. Which of course for these little fishies is exactly what they do and do not want. It's a judgement call on their part - consider yourself judged. Pisces is not willing to let your possible sins stand in the way of their sacred redemption so shape up or Pisces will shape you.

Pisces tend to get happier as they get older. Maturity brings with it a certain je ne sais quoi masquerading as fatalism. A compromise is reached between reality and the paranoid delusions. I can't find the source, but I'm willing to be that who ever the person was who first said "I feel much better since I gave up hope" was a Pisces. Give Up already!

So that's Pisces in a gill net for you. Next week we'll talk about Pisces in love - that's when you really get to see their evil side.

The Amourous Aquarius - The What?

Charles M. Schulz once said that he loved mankind, it was people he couldn't stand. He wasn't an Aquarius but he certainly sums up the Water Bearer's attitude to relationships. Groups are better. And yes, that can mean exactly what you're thinking - Aquarius is open minded and experimental - but most often it just means that we find it difficult to have all of our desires met by one individual.

Groucho Marx was quoted as saying that he wouldn't belong to any institution that would have him - no, again, not an Aquarius - and while the whole bunch will have more friends and contacts than any 10 other signs, these are rarely of the institutional kind where membership is purchased. Their lovers are almost always friends first: relationships are usually fluid and organic things - characteristics which should make them strong and flexible. In reality Aquarians frequently lose people who just got tired of waiting for us to come back. This makes romance problematic.

I like to think of Aquarius in love as a cat on a leash. Everything is fine as long as we don't see the string. But that goes both ways. Commitment and loyalty yes - encumbrances no. Remember what I said last week about cutting off our noses? Give an Aquarius an ultimatum and listen to the back door slam. Will we regret it? Possibly. Will you ever know if we do? No.

So Aquarius, who is the wind beneath your wings......

Aquarius with Aries - There's not enough of a breeze here to give you supermodel hair.

Aquarius with Taurus - It's like water skiing behind a canoe - it's just something to do to say you tried it - the start of some good stories.

Aquarius with Gemini - This could work...Gemini won't notice that you've been gone and certainly won't have moved on.

Aquarius with Cancer - It's the challenge I think. I mean how can they resist us? And yet they do. A question of who gives up first.

Aquarius with Leo - The sex is phenomenal but they'll either cheat on you in some public and embarrassing way, or never get off your couch.

Aquarius with Virgo - Virgo will be continually whipping out contracts which Aquarius signs in invisible ink. This could get litigious.

Aquarius with Libra - And everyone calls you the crazy one! Ha. The upside is that Libra can conduct the entire relationship without you.

Aquarius with Scorpio - Crockery and curses flying thick and fast. Like a tornado it's wet and noisy and leaves one hell of a mess in its wake.

Aquarius with Sagittarius - Just how open-minded are you? This one is a hot potato you're best advised to drop before you get burned.

Aquarius with Capricorn - You would be the dirty little secret. That can be fun but it also means that you're second fiddle so that's a wash.

Aquarius with Aquarius - Relationship so open it looks like lace a doily. It will be a beautiful thing in your minds and that's where it counts.

Aquarius with Pisces - You want to leave but how can you when they're looking at you with those sad puppy dog eyes? Better now than later.

Aquarius

This is a toughie because I'm an Aquarius so anything I tell you is suspect. But read it anyway.

Aquarius is the water bearer but is not a water sign. Aquarius is an air sign and I'm sure if more people knew this we could avoid a lot of pain and suffering in the world. We're often accused of being heartless and robotic, when the truth is we are mostly distracted and unsentimental. You can hurt our feelings very easily but your average Aquarius will do anything to avoid letting you know that.

We're a friendly bunch really, but don't mistake those pertinent questions, encouraging sounds and nodding heads to indicate any actual interest in you, think of it more as a recruitment interview. We're always plotting world domination so really the only question we need answered is "are you with us or against us?"

If you know any of our tribe, you think we're all flaky dreamers who wouldn't know the real world if it jumped up and smacked us in the face. Well, as Albert Einstein said, "reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one". Far from being unrealistic, I think you will find that Aquarius is very willing to embrace any kind of reality. Not to spoil the famous list that I'll post in two weeks, but Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King were both Aquarius and look what they achieved by re-arranging reality.

Okay so we're not 100% wonderful. We can be deliberately awkward; we're stubborn as all hell; we start stupid fights and then refuse to back down from them. We're the tribe that would cut off our noses just to spite our own faces. We zig where we should zag and will do whatever it takes to thwart your expectations. We're our own worst enemies but if you can overlook the spacey behaviour and the bizarre wardrobe, we can be a good friend.

Capricorn in Love

It's not difficult to spot a Capricorn in love - at least in the initial stages. They tend to be crankier than usual, even if things are progressing well. No Capricorn, no matter how confident, wants to be seen throwing their hat into the ring unless they are 100% sure that a) it won't get thrown right back in their faces and b)they don't look foolish.

As with everything in else in their lives, in love Capricorns need to shut out the voice of reason long enough to hear what their hearts are telling them. They are by no means heartless or cold, but their ruler, Saturn, is always promising them what's behind door number two (and you know it's the car) if they behave themselves. He's never really specific about what behave means, so most Capricorns are secretly very superstitious. Some can't rest if there are dirty dishes in the sink; others can't fall in love until everything else is perfect. Like that's ever gonna happen.

The most frequent result is that love crashes the party, pissing Capricorn off royally in the process and we know what a cranky Capricorn signifies. Pretending that love isn't fun is their best defence against Murphy's Law.

For any other sign, these descriptions would be a warning of what to avoid. For you, Capricorn, they are like a shopping list. Choose which annoyance factor would make you the happiest and may all the Gods smile on you.

If you are a Capricorn with.....

Aries - It followed you home, it would be churlish and inhumane not to keep it. Plus it's so cute.

Taurus - In dicey public situations introduce this one as your accountant and you'll be safe.

Gemini - Like taking your drunk aunt Gert to a funeral - you will end up disowning her.

Cancer - You won't have to pretend to be unhappy - believe me everyone will understand.

Leo - Any suffering you do will be genuine - fetching, carrying, bowing, scraping.

Virgo - The perfect blend of condescension (you) and ingratitude (Virgo) - a lifetime of joy.

Libra - It may break your heart to pass this up but you'd wear it once and throw it away.

Scorpio - Watch your bank balance. Karma points for damage to your reputation.

Sagittarius - Out of your hair and off saving the world? Doesn't sound like your cup of tea at all.

Capricorn - Like America's Next Top Model when they get down to the last two - ugly and pointless.

Aquarius - Never sure if they're sober and will wish they'd just stop dancing for a minute.

Pisces - You would be absolutely forced to have an affair and that's no way to get to heaven.

Capable Capricorn

Back at the beginning of the world all of the gods sat down together to decide who got to be in charge of what. They met at a really posh French restaurant and after several bottles of wine and a few dozen oysters, they got down to the business of sharing out responsibilities. Once Pluto called dibs on sex and Mercury got partying, the rest of them kind of fell into place. The last decision was the toughest one - who would pick up the tab? You know how that goes. Everybody starts clearing their throats and pretending to look for their wallets. Saturn was busy trying to get a red wine stain out of the table cloth and didn't notice when the others slipped out and left him holding the bag, so to speak. Saturn rules Capricorn and really this should tell you everything you need to know about the sign.

Someone once described Capricorn to me as being like a shot of espresso - short, dark and bitter - and it's really no wonder. Their glyph is a goat and their lives are all about responsibility, reputation, hard work and rewards. Oh sure, you'll see Capricorn at a party but chances are the goat is the designated driver. If you got arrested, Capricorn would post your bail and get you released under their recognizance.

Now all of this makes Capricorn sound pretty dull, but they are definitely not that. They have a wonderful sense of humour - it's just a little dark for most people; sardonic rather than sarcastic, and always self-deprecating. Capricorn is very aware of living in a spotlight and as insurance against this perceived scrutiny they often adopt an aw-shucks manner that they can fall back on if things go wrong. Like a cat whose default response to indignity is hyper-grooming. Their public image is of such importance to them that they run the risk of forgetting the personal. Their greatest danger is in believing their own (negative)publicity.

Capricorns are born leaders and are at their best when they're in charge, calling the shots and making things happen. They need to learn to accept this and take the risk of being fully responsible. It's the only way to get the respect they crave.

PS - Saturn now owns that French restaurant and when ever Mercury and Pluto come in with their dates, he charges them double.

Sexy Sagittarius

Sexy Sagittarius

I believe I mentioned last week, that if you want to hang around with a Sagittarius, you had better have a thick skin because you won’t be hearing a lot of sweet nothings. What you will get is straightforward unvarnished truth, which when you think about it, is better than a lot of romantic twaddle. Truth is truth and if a Sagittarius doesn’t shy from the not-so-pretty stuff, why on earth would they lie about the good things? In other words, yes you just might be really annoying right at the moment, but you are loved. Oh, by the way, when they ask, feel free to tell your Sagittarius that yes they too are very annoying right now, but only say it if you mean it.

This is one relationship that must always be straight up, eye to eye, toe to toe and no funny stuff. If you want to lose a Sagittarius just try manipulating them.

So who’s ready for round one?

Sagittarius with Aries – No one notices the candle light when the house is on fire. There’s really no point for either of you.

Sagittarius with Taurus – You think the two of you are room mates; Taurus is picking out china and crystal. This calls for more than a new phone number.

Sagittarius with Gemini – Like a plague of lady bugs, charming, mildly annoying and largely with out any impact other than a few holes in your sweaters.

Sagittarius with Cancer – You don’t have the patience for the old game of “what’s wrong?” “Nothing.” You’re gone and Cancer is home sulking.

Sagittarius with Leo – No one in their right mind would even invite the two of you to the same party let alone try to set you up.

Sagittarius with Virgo – Most of your friends are uncomfortable in a room with the two of you. Between you, no innocent by-stander is safe.

Sagittarius with Libra – It’s like a race to see who will grow fed up and walk out first. You might need a lawyer to get out of this one intact.

Sagittarius with Scorpio – For best results, you should start with lawyers. First rule of business? No weapons in the bedroom.

Sagittarius with Sagittarius – Can you take what you dish out? That’s the big question here. My guess is you would never even be attracted to one another.

Sagittarius with Capricorn – For some reason you need Capricorn to hear you and if (or should I say when) they won’t, you act out and nobody is happy.

Sagittarius with Aquarius – You have the capacity to egg each other on until one or both of you ends up in jail or hospital. No one emerges unscathed.

Sagittarius with Pisces – It’s good Feng Shui to have a source of running water in your home and the gentle babble is soothing to your senses.