Aquarius

This is a toughie because I'm an Aquarius so anything I tell you is suspect. But read it anyway.

Aquarius is the water bearer but is not a water sign. Aquarius is an air sign and I'm sure if more people knew this we could avoid a lot of pain and suffering in the world. We're often accused of being heartless and robotic, when the truth is we are mostly distracted and unsentimental. You can hurt our feelings very easily but your average Aquarius will do anything to avoid letting you know that.

We're a friendly bunch really, but don't mistake those pertinent questions, encouraging sounds and nodding heads to indicate any actual interest in you, think of it more as a recruitment interview. We're always plotting world domination so really the only question we need answered is "are you with us or against us?"

If you know any of our tribe, you think we're all flaky dreamers who wouldn't know the real world if it jumped up and smacked us in the face. Well, as Albert Einstein said, "reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one". Far from being unrealistic, I think you will find that Aquarius is very willing to embrace any kind of reality. Not to spoil the famous list that I'll post in two weeks, but Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King were both Aquarius and look what they achieved by re-arranging reality.

Okay so we're not 100% wonderful. We can be deliberately awkward; we're stubborn as all hell; we start stupid fights and then refuse to back down from them. We're the tribe that would cut off our noses just to spite our own faces. We zig where we should zag and will do whatever it takes to thwart your expectations. We're our own worst enemies but if you can overlook the spacey behaviour and the bizarre wardrobe, we can be a good friend.

Capricorn in Love

It's not difficult to spot a Capricorn in love - at least in the initial stages. They tend to be crankier than usual, even if things are progressing well. No Capricorn, no matter how confident, wants to be seen throwing their hat into the ring unless they are 100% sure that a) it won't get thrown right back in their faces and b)they don't look foolish.

As with everything in else in their lives, in love Capricorns need to shut out the voice of reason long enough to hear what their hearts are telling them. They are by no means heartless or cold, but their ruler, Saturn, is always promising them what's behind door number two (and you know it's the car) if they behave themselves. He's never really specific about what behave means, so most Capricorns are secretly very superstitious. Some can't rest if there are dirty dishes in the sink; others can't fall in love until everything else is perfect. Like that's ever gonna happen.

The most frequent result is that love crashes the party, pissing Capricorn off royally in the process and we know what a cranky Capricorn signifies. Pretending that love isn't fun is their best defence against Murphy's Law.

For any other sign, these descriptions would be a warning of what to avoid. For you, Capricorn, they are like a shopping list. Choose which annoyance factor would make you the happiest and may all the Gods smile on you.

If you are a Capricorn with.....

Aries - It followed you home, it would be churlish and inhumane not to keep it. Plus it's so cute.

Taurus - In dicey public situations introduce this one as your accountant and you'll be safe.

Gemini - Like taking your drunk aunt Gert to a funeral - you will end up disowning her.

Cancer - You won't have to pretend to be unhappy - believe me everyone will understand.

Leo - Any suffering you do will be genuine - fetching, carrying, bowing, scraping.

Virgo - The perfect blend of condescension (you) and ingratitude (Virgo) - a lifetime of joy.

Libra - It may break your heart to pass this up but you'd wear it once and throw it away.

Scorpio - Watch your bank balance. Karma points for damage to your reputation.

Sagittarius - Out of your hair and off saving the world? Doesn't sound like your cup of tea at all.

Capricorn - Like America's Next Top Model when they get down to the last two - ugly and pointless.

Aquarius - Never sure if they're sober and will wish they'd just stop dancing for a minute.

Pisces - You would be absolutely forced to have an affair and that's no way to get to heaven.

Capable Capricorn

Back at the beginning of the world all of the gods sat down together to decide who got to be in charge of what. They met at a really posh French restaurant and after several bottles of wine and a few dozen oysters, they got down to the business of sharing out responsibilities. Once Pluto called dibs on sex and Mercury got partying, the rest of them kind of fell into place. The last decision was the toughest one - who would pick up the tab? You know how that goes. Everybody starts clearing their throats and pretending to look for their wallets. Saturn was busy trying to get a red wine stain out of the table cloth and didn't notice when the others slipped out and left him holding the bag, so to speak. Saturn rules Capricorn and really this should tell you everything you need to know about the sign.

Someone once described Capricorn to me as being like a shot of espresso - short, dark and bitter - and it's really no wonder. Their glyph is a goat and their lives are all about responsibility, reputation, hard work and rewards. Oh sure, you'll see Capricorn at a party but chances are the goat is the designated driver. If you got arrested, Capricorn would post your bail and get you released under their recognizance.

Now all of this makes Capricorn sound pretty dull, but they are definitely not that. They have a wonderful sense of humour - it's just a little dark for most people; sardonic rather than sarcastic, and always self-deprecating. Capricorn is very aware of living in a spotlight and as insurance against this perceived scrutiny they often adopt an aw-shucks manner that they can fall back on if things go wrong. Like a cat whose default response to indignity is hyper-grooming. Their public image is of such importance to them that they run the risk of forgetting the personal. Their greatest danger is in believing their own (negative)publicity.

Capricorns are born leaders and are at their best when they're in charge, calling the shots and making things happen. They need to learn to accept this and take the risk of being fully responsible. It's the only way to get the respect they crave.

PS - Saturn now owns that French restaurant and when ever Mercury and Pluto come in with their dates, he charges them double.